Episode One Transcript - The Butterflies On The Concrete Podcast: What Got Me Through The Week?

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Hello! Welcome to the very first episode of The Butterflies On The Concrete Podcast, where I will be discussing What Got Me Through The Week.

A few summers ago, when I felt lost, numb, defeated and sad, I asked God, “Why am I here?” Because I truly didn’t know the answer.  I still don’t, really. I used to think I knew, but as time goes on, that doesn’t seem to be the reason. Back then, I was still deep in the midst of grieving and adjusting to living my life without the most important person in it, because they passed away two years earlier. Around that time I came close to achieving a long term goal, but it didn’t pan out. And that one rejection was swiftly followed by several more. And soon writing, which is something that once brought me joy, didn’t make me feel anything anymore. I was also lonely, even though there were other family members and friends in my life. Nothing really had meaning anymore.

That day, as I kept my eyes down, scared to step on gum or some other gross thing on the sidewalk, I noticed a group of monarch butterflies on the road that I was about to cross.

It was beautiful, and so unexpected. Perhaps it’s common somewhere, but I, personally, had never seen it before. And it felt like an answer.

It didn’t give me a sense of purpose. It didn’t tell me why I’m on this earth. But, it did remind me that life can be beautiful at a time when I’d almost forgotten it.

That same weekend, I saw more monarch butterflies, this time on a sidewalk when I was rushing to get to my train. I struggled to write stories during that time, but in place of that I somehow heard melodies, so I ended up writing lyrics about it. The lyrics are about God’s love being magnified in the moments when we feel lost, in the moments when we’ve forgotten that He’s brought us through difficulties before so that means He can do it again. Those lyrics and that experience is the reason why I decided to name this podcast The Butterflies on the Concrete Podcast. As bonus content, I’ve included a recording on our website of a shortened version of the song if anyone’s curious and would like to listen. But please note that it’s a cappella.

The Butterflies on the Concrete Podcast: What Got Me Through The Week, is a way for me to build community with others by discussing the songs, shows and other media that have helped me get through the worst moments of my life, as well as those that are currently helping me to keep moving forward. In other words, the aspects of my life that bring me joy. I hope that even if you don’t resonate with every single episode, there will be at least some episodes that discuss topics that also bring you joy. I want to share what makes me happy each week and I hope that you also will share what makes you happy each week, too. We can exchange information this way and help ourselves to keep going, even though life is tough.

This week, though, I want to talk about God. His grace is literally what gets me through each week, wakes me up every morning, and has kept me alive thus far.

I’ve considered myself an unaffiliated Christian my whole life. However, my family only went to church a few times when I was growing up and while I pray often, I never really took the time to read God’s word. Like many people, my life has been a series of peaks and valleys, and as I’ve grown as a person, I’ve matured in my faith.

The pandemic was a turning point for me, as I’m sure it was for so many others. I was inside nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I had a moment when I asked myself in that isolation, “Why is my life like this? And, ‘Why do I have such a strong desire to be loved by others?”

 Too many of my life decisions have been made because I longed to be accepted and loved by other people. In the midst of the pandemic I looked throughout my life and found that the root cause of it was an argument where harsh words had been said to me by someone, and because I was young I allowed those words to make me feel unworthy, and that led to my tendency to ignore what was best for me so that I could make someone else happy, or gain their approval and acceptance. I’ve since learned boundaries and have done the inner work so that self-love and God’s love are more than enough. Once I sat with that knowledge, having a better understanding of who I was, but still struggling with some of the things I’d been through, I started to want to know more about God, too.

 In the summer of 2020 I started reading through The Bible -  in order - just five to ten pages a week. There were a couple times where I stopped because I was frustrated with the state of my life, upset with God over certain experiences I’ve had, like the fact that my life was very different from what I imagined it would be professionally, and the fact that I had lost ‘my person,’ the most important person in my life, the person I talked to on the phone everyday, the person I could turn to when I needed advice, who listened to me without judgment, the only person who has ever truly loved me unconditionally. But, in the end, I reconciled my relationship with God, by focusing on how He helped me overcome so many of the difficulties that I’ve faced in the past. And so after reading the Bible a little bit at a time, I tried to gain a better understanding of who God was, of who I was praying to, and ultimately I finished this ‘assignment’ of mine, if you will, last fall.

In the New Testament, right before Jesus is tried, leading up to the crucifixion, there’s a moment when Jesus tells Peter that he will deny Him three times before the rooster crows. Peter refuses to believe it, but what Jesus predicted comes to pass.  Because I don’t want to deny Jesus, I’m dedicating my first episode to Him and the Christian songs and artists that have helped me over the years.

Since I read the Bible in its entirety during the pandemic, and now study on my own a couple times a week, supplementing it with online church services, I understand how important it is for me to acknowledge Him and dedicate this first episode to Him. I’m just talking about my experiences though. I’m not forcing anyone to believe. Please keep that in mind.

I just wanted to take a moment, at the start of this new project, to show His goodness and to thank Him for getting me through not just this week, but every week of my existence.

I don’t really believe in coincidences. Most recently, I went to the bank and the teller conversed with me about certain opportunities and goals, things that had been on my heart and mind for months, that she spoke about unprompted, as if giving me a sign that I was moving in the right direction. Similarly, in the past, there was a time when I was feeling insignificant but tried my best to look confident and someone came up to me on the subway and told me that Jesus loved me. There was another time months after that when I was on the bus when a preacher sat next to me and encouraged me to read the Bible, and I hesitated. It took a year, but when finally I listened to his advice and bought one, then my entire world fell apart a month later. It’s been the ultimate test of my faith, but somehow, by the grace of God, I’m still here.

Even though I’ve had to make peace with the fact that there are some things I’ll never fully understand, I still choose to believe. God has sustained me. I have found refuge in Him when I’ve felt alone and devastated and confused. I used to make plans and write goals and now He has taught me that there is nothing that I can control. He has brought people into my life to help me heal some of my pain, people who’ve shown me that I’m not alone in what I’ve experienced. That doesn’t make it any easier to process, but in spite of the bad, I’ve gradually learned to still be grateful for the good that I’ve been able to experience. Even if it’s just the fact that I’m able to breathe and have blood still coursing through my veins. Through it all, God has carried me and loved me unconditionally, certainly not because I deserve it, but because that’s just who He is.

Some of the songs that I listen to the most, over and over again, when I’m struggling through life, which have helped me to keep going, are:

‘Psalm 42,’ ‘Masterpiece’ and ‘Never Alone’ by Tori Kelly

‘Who You Are’ by Unspoken

‘Control’ by JJ Heller

‘Stronger’, ‘Overcomer,’ ‘Out of the Dark,’ ‘I’m Still Here,’ ‘He Is With You,’ and ‘What Scars Are For’ – all by Mandisa

‘Lift Me Up’ by The Afters, and last but certainly not least –

‘If You Want Me To’ and ‘Free’ by Ginny Owens

There are certain lyrics from a couple of these songs I’d like to highlight a bit. Most of these songs are older because they became a part of my life after I graduated college and started working full time while trying and failing to figure out what in the world I was doing with my life.

The following lyrics were verified based on what’s listed on the website, Genius.com, as a reference:

So, let’s get started. First of all, the entire chorus of ‘Who You Are’ by Unspoken is a word. It goes:

“You can never fall too hard

So fast, so far

That you can't get back

When you're lost

Where you are is never too late

So bad, so much

That you can't change

Who you are

You can change who you are.”

These lyrics are so powerful because I often hear people say that other people can’t change, as if it’s somehow impossible. But that’s not true at all. The one thing that’s constant in this world is exactly that – change. Of course, a person has to do the inner work, and want to make those changes to be better, and not everyone desires to do that, or is willing to do that. But there are many people who are willing to recognize their mistakes, and understand their faults and flaws and grow, and then make the necessary changes to improve as a person and become a better version of themselves. I know that because I am one of those people. The point of this song, I think, is that if you turn to Jesus, if you turn to God, He will make you new again. If you want to change, you can. Isn’t that such a beautiful message? I know that I have changed immensely over the years. I’m not the same person I was when I was 18, I’m not who I was when I was 21, I’m not who I was when I was 25, I’m not even the person I was yesterday. God has been working on me this whole time, refining who I am.  And even though I’m still very much a work in progress, I’m so grateful for his grace.

I found the song ‘If You Want Me To’ by Ginny Owens through Arden Cho, who did a cover of it on her YouTube years ago. Well, I’m not sure if it’s on her YouTube, it might’ve just been on YouTube in general, she might’ve collaborated with someone, it’s been a couple years. Um, but, I just wanted to say that when I first heard the cover, the lyrics to that song were exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.

Some of the lyrics are:

“I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to.”

And: “You never said it would be easy

You only said I'll never go alone.”

Every time I hear these lyrics I feel so seen, sort of like when I’m reading through the book of Job. How many times have I not understood what has happened in my life, and fought against it, agonizing over the why, only to then accept it as God’s will. I had a conversation with someone close to me about God and I told them what my relationship with God is like, and that God is important because He remains with me throughout the good times and the bad times. He didn’t magically prevent some of the most difficult things in my life, though I wish He had, but at least He has walked with me through those moments and provided a refuge for me emotionally. Only He has seen how many tears I’ve cried, how frustrated I’ve been, and yet through all of that I’m still here by His grace alone.

Which brings me to ‘What Scars Are For’ by Mandisa. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

“These marks tell a story

Of me down in the valley

And how You reached in with Your grace

And healed me’

And: ‘They show me where I’ve been and

That I’m not there any more

That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for.”

I’ve stopped asking Why, because I accept that it’s unlikely I’ll ever get an answer while on this earth. But lyrics like these give me solace and a new perspective on painful and difficult moments, and remind me that ultimately God is with me, and that gives me strength.

I made a playlist with all of these songs on Spotify and would encourage you to listen to them, um, if you’re feeling down. It doesn’t have to be through my playlist, just in general, you can find these songs anywhere, on any streaming platform, I would encourage you. Um, I couldn’t talk about all of the songs so maybe I’ll do a part two, we’ll see. Regardless, I hope this will be helpful to someone on their journey because these songs have really helped me.

If anyone is listening to this and would like to share what got them through the week, please comment on this episode’s post on our Instagram page WhatGotMeThroughTheWeek, or by email at whatgotmethroughpodcast@gmail.com.  Episodes will be posted on HyssopandEbony.com along with the bonus content I mentioned as well, and you can also comment there.

Until next time! Thank you for listening! Bye.